Its hit me babe. This is the worst day so far.
Today the torrential rain mirrored the tears that I have cried. It has hit me that you aren’t coming back. For the 45 days you have been gone, I haven’t been strong and I haven’t been brave, I have just put one foot in front of the other to get past each day. I have been totally numb and not really felt anything. But now I do, like a wrecking ball has smashed straight into me. I have spent the day reading all the beautiful sympathy cards people took the time to write and send which had just been put away in a bag. I have read the wonderful things people wrote about you in the memory book that went round at the funeral. Now I am not numb. Now I am feeling the full force of what life without you, my perfect man, means. Everything has changed. The house is so quiet and I feel so lonely even when it’s full of people.
I make decisions without the reassurance from you that they are right, without the confidence I once had when you were here and everything is just for one. I just make one brew now, one cheeky cheese on toast for the evening snack, going up to bed alone and waking up alone. That’s the hardest part and that’s where the loneliness is at its worst. Invitations and plans for the future are just for one and rather than looking forward to things, I dread them.
I am not even married anymore. The label I am given is that I am widowed and it makes me feel like I should be older than I am. I am sometimes not even me when things come through the post, I am “the widow of the late Mr Hannaford”. It’s so impersonal that it makes me angry. Organisations that have been told about you still phone your mobile, still email you and still text you. At least 3 times a week I have to say those awful words “my husband has passed away” to some unfeeling tosser who has got your number on a marketing list. It’s these things that make it so much more difficult.
I know that after the deep and intense love we shared together, then it’s inevitable that now you are gone the pain is going to be just as deep and intense, that’s how it works. Ying and Yang and all that. I know I am not the only one grieving and feeling this pain, I know that your amazing family and friends feel it too and are constantly checking up on me despite that. I love them so much.
I’m sorry I can’t feel positive at the moment darlin, I know that you would hate that. I am sure I will get there…….eventually. I love you now and forever and know you tried so hard to stay because you love me too. I suppose that’s what will get me through but at the moment, my heart is broken and the gaping hole you have left will take time, if not a lifetime to be filled. xx