Father’s Day

Firstly, I will say Happy Father’s Day to my own amazing, kind, cute and wonderful dad. You are my hero and have been the best dad I could have ever asked for…..thank you for everything. MWAHHHH.

Myself and Dave didn’t have children together (we both wish we had, it just never happened) but between us, over the years of previous relationships and our own relationship, we have stepchildren, foster children and biological children. In total, there have been 9 kids who have been lucky enough to have him as a father figure in one way or another in the past. 9 VERY lucky kids I might add.

As all parents know, bringing up children isn’t something that comes with a guide book. Kids are unique and have their own set of rules. It can be exhausting, challenging, frustrating and sometimes scary having that responsibility but Dave just always took it in his stride, never gave up and bestowed unconditional love from beginning to end. Everyone loved him, you couldn’t not. He was kind, caring, honest, genuine and just wanted the best for all them, in equal amounts.

Today is the first Father’s Day I have spent without him since meeting him almost 6 years ago. I always sorted out little things from the kids for him so this year there was a big gap to fill. I had made a few plans for today which didn’t come off as I hoped, mainly because of circumstances and differing priorities and its been so very disappointing.

So, I wanted to write tonight and wish him a Happy Father’s Day in Heaven, to tell him that he was the most amazing father, foster-father and stepfather that ever walked this earth (on a par with my dad of course!!) and that I love him and always have been and always will be so proud of everything he achieved – thank you darling xx

We sent off some tributes tonight in the form of Chinese lanterns with little messages of love and thanks on them. Hope they get there babe! Happy Father’s Day x

 

 

 

Prompt – The Journey

The Journey – a euphemism for everything that encompasses grief. My journey, as I am sure it is for most people who have lost a loved one is full of dread, fear, hopelessness and loneliness, with little glimpses of a past life before the cloud descends to block the way again almost immediately.

Its a journey I have dreaded making since October 2014 when the love of my life was told IT was back. A journey I hoped I would never have to embark on and one that I kept buried in my sub-conscious. It had to stay there otherwise how would we have lived our lives and made every second count, every day a blessing and loved as deeply, as unconditionally and as completely as we did?

So now I am on it. That journey. I am moving forward, very slowly,  through a massive fog and have faltered many times already during the 74 days I have been travelling already (74? – it feels like a lifetime!). I know I am really fortunate to have wonderful, supportive and loving family and friends to give me a lift now when I really need it. And they do. They are fantastic and I love them all. They make the journey feel a little less lonely and not as hopeless and pointless sometimes and I am ever grateful to them.

I am aware that each day wont be the same as the one before, sometimes its not the same as the hour before and that it will take me to different places at various times. I also know that this journey cant be controlled. I cant direct the traffic, I cant turn left if I want to. I have to go along with the direction grief wants to take me and there is no control over where or when it will stop me in my tracks. That is what I struggle with most. Sometimes I feel I am doing ok and feel almost proud of myself for getting through a situation and then for what seems like no apparent reason, I burst into tears, or anger begins to well up inside me or I just want to run away and hide. A journey with no maps or directions is very disorientating and getting back on track is a mammoth task every time I get lost.

Most journeys do come to an end though. Trouble is, I know that this particular journey wont.  The lack of control and direction will make it impossible to get to the end. I have to find a way to navigate this new life, find the new me and find a way to do it all without my soulmate and guide.

The journey at the moment is focused on loss, it concentrates on sadness and unwelcome change, is filled with tears and U-turns and indecision and its miserable and lonely a lot of the time. I was having a text chat with one of my fabulous in-laws this week and I did have a smile and a glimmer of hope and realised that one day, hopefully, my journey will shift and focus on the smiles, the happiness, the love and the AMAZING memories that made up the journey me and Dave were making together when he was here. God I miss him and I miss us and I miss OUR journey.

For now though, I will carrying on taking baby steps, moving forward slowly, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

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Prompt – The things they left behind

Well when I saw this prompt, the first thing I thought about is quite simply, “me”. He left me behind. Now I know that never ever in a million years would he have wanted to take me with him to wherever it is he has gone, but its a thought that crosses my mind all the time. He left me, he didn’t want to, but he left me……..and its devastating but there is nothing I can do about it.

Now I know that’s not what the prompt is really about so I will pick on a couple of things that I see and feel every day.

One of those things is the top he was wearing the first day I saw and spoke to him when I met him on a course in February 2011. It was checked and bright blue, with a hood. I knew it must have been one of his favourite items of clothing as the next time I met him on another course in the October of that year, he was wearing it again. I remember thinking to myself that he must be bloody freezing because it was quite thin material and that I wouldn’t mind warming him up! Cheeky thought I know. As I chatted to him that day, I couldn’t help but keep looking into his striking, beautiful and twinkly blue eyes and thinking that the colour of his checked top matched his eyes perfectly.

Over the years, Dave wore that top often, it was his go to top if we were going out for a casual meal or meeting with family and he always looked so handsome in it, his eyes looked almost luminous.

That top is now in the wardrobe where I see it every single day. I want to wear it to feel close to him but I can smell HIM on it and don’t want that to fade away so there it stays, hanging up, never to be worn by my darling Dave ever again. But I am glad he has left that behind.

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He also left behind the most wonderful family of in-laws I could ask for – and a gorgeous, blue eyed daughter (my step-daughter) who he loved so much and was very very proud of. He loved being a dad and when they were both together, the laughter and love between them shone from their eyes and lit up the room.

Something intangible that he left behind was a better me. Dave brought out the best in me in every single way possible. He made me feel better about myself, he gave me confidence, strength and enabled me to learn more about who I am by bringing out qualities even I didn’t know I had. I suppose in a way, although we didn’t know it at the time, he was giving me the tools to enable me to find the strength I would need to deal with his loss.

But he still left me behind.