Well when I saw this prompt, the first thing I thought about is quite simply, “me”. He left me behind. Now I know that never ever in a million years would he have wanted to take me with him to wherever it is he has gone, but its a thought that crosses my mind all the time. He left me, he didn’t want to, but he left me……..and its devastating but there is nothing I can do about it.
Now I know that’s not what the prompt is really about so I will pick on a couple of things that I see and feel every day.
One of those things is the top he was wearing the first day I saw and spoke to him when I met him on a course in February 2011. It was checked and bright blue, with a hood. I knew it must have been one of his favourite items of clothing as the next time I met him on another course in the October of that year, he was wearing it again. I remember thinking to myself that he must be bloody freezing because it was quite thin material and that I wouldn’t mind warming him up! Cheeky thought I know. As I chatted to him that day, I couldn’t help but keep looking into his striking, beautiful and twinkly blue eyes and thinking that the colour of his checked top matched his eyes perfectly.
Over the years, Dave wore that top often, it was his go to top if we were going out for a casual meal or meeting with family and he always looked so handsome in it, his eyes looked almost luminous.
That top is now in the wardrobe where I see it every single day. I want to wear it to feel close to him but I can smell HIM on it and don’t want that to fade away so there it stays, hanging up, never to be worn by my darling Dave ever again. But I am glad he has left that behind.
He also left behind the most wonderful family of in-laws I could ask for – and a gorgeous, blue eyed daughter (my step-daughter) who he loved so much and was very very proud of. He loved being a dad and when they were both together, the laughter and love between them shone from their eyes and lit up the room.
Something intangible that he left behind was a better me. Dave brought out the best in me in every single way possible. He made me feel better about myself, he gave me confidence, strength and enabled me to learn more about who I am by bringing out qualities even I didn’t know I had. I suppose in a way, although we didn’t know it at the time, he was giving me the tools to enable me to find the strength I would need to deal with his loss.
But he still left me behind.