The Journey – a euphemism for everything that encompasses grief. My journey, as I am sure it is for most people who have lost a loved one is full of dread, fear, hopelessness and loneliness, with little glimpses of a past life before the cloud descends to block the way again almost immediately.
Its a journey I have dreaded making since October 2014 when the love of my life was told IT was back. A journey I hoped I would never have to embark on and one that I kept buried in my sub-conscious. It had to stay there otherwise how would we have lived our lives and made every second count, every day a blessing and loved as deeply, as unconditionally and as completely as we did?
So now I am on it. That journey. I am moving forward, very slowly, through a massive fog and have faltered many times already during the 74 days I have been travelling already (74? – it feels like a lifetime!). I know I am really fortunate to have wonderful, supportive and loving family and friends to give me a lift now when I really need it. And they do. They are fantastic and I love them all. They make the journey feel a little less lonely and not as hopeless and pointless sometimes and I am ever grateful to them.
I am aware that each day wont be the same as the one before, sometimes its not the same as the hour before and that it will take me to different places at various times. I also know that this journey cant be controlled. I cant direct the traffic, I cant turn left if I want to. I have to go along with the direction grief wants to take me and there is no control over where or when it will stop me in my tracks. That is what I struggle with most. Sometimes I feel I am doing ok and feel almost proud of myself for getting through a situation and then for what seems like no apparent reason, I burst into tears, or anger begins to well up inside me or I just want to run away and hide. A journey with no maps or directions is very disorientating and getting back on track is a mammoth task every time I get lost.
Most journeys do come to an end though. Trouble is, I know that this particular journey wont. The lack of control and direction will make it impossible to get to the end. I have to find a way to navigate this new life, find the new me and find a way to do it all without my soulmate and guide.
The journey at the moment is focused on loss, it concentrates on sadness and unwelcome change, is filled with tears and U-turns and indecision and its miserable and lonely a lot of the time. I was having a text chat with one of my fabulous in-laws this week and I did have a smile and a glimmer of hope and realised that one day, hopefully, my journey will shift and focus on the smiles, the happiness, the love and the AMAZING memories that made up the journey me and Dave were making together when he was here. God I miss him and I miss us and I miss OUR journey.
For now though, I will carrying on taking baby steps, moving forward slowly, one hour at a time, one day at a time.