Time passes so slowly but yet so fast. I constantly feel like I am waiting for something but not sure what that is. The hope that he will walk through the door and everything will be ok again? The hope that I will stop crying at the drop of a hat? Or, the hope that this awful rollercoaster will come to a stop? I really don’t know but I feel like I am in limbo. It’s like I can’t go forward and I also can never go back. So here I am. Again. Grieving for the future I have lost and for the man I will never see, touch, hear and laugh with again. The void is gigantic and looking into it scares me so I try to fill it with keeping busy. Tonight, I am too tired to be busy so I am falling and he isn’t here to catch me.
I want this limbo to stop and fast forward me into the future. The future where I will smile more at the amazing memories we made, rather than sobbing when i think about not being able to make more of them. The future where I smile more than I cry, the one people tell me will come in time.
I miss him and us so much.
I have just returned from a hen weekend away to Amsterdam with Dave’s gorgeous family. As far as in-laws go, I hit the jackpot with mine in the same way I did with Dave. They are amazing and supportive and I love them dearly.
We have had a brilliant time in what can only be described as a very ‘interesting’ city. We hired a booze bike, went on a boat cruise along the canals, had our eyes opened in the Red Light District and went to see Anne Frank’s house which was incredibly humbling and moving. We have also laughed…….a lot. The thing is though, there was a feeling of sadness with not just me, but most people who were there. An undercurrent of something not being as it should be, which of course it isn’t.
There were a few times where his absence in our lives became overwhelming and emotions ran high. The tears inevitably fell and sadness reared its ugly head for a few minutes and cast a shadow. I know its still early days (108 To be exact) but I fear it will always be the same. But we have each other.
For me personally, I felt the void of not having him to call or text when we did something daft or saw something interesting. He was always the first person I would contact with news to tell and seeing and hearing everyone else on the phone or messaging their ‘first person’ was difficult to deal with sometimes. It’s no-ones fault, it’s just something I have to learn to live with…….something else.
After the massive high of laughing so much, having a break from work and being with family, my new reality started to creep back in whilst on the flight home. I was sat in a seat by the window away from some of the family as we had struggled to get seats together. I spent the flight staring out of the window, thinking about Dave and looking at the clouds and how amazing it would be if the notion that once people die, they are up in heaven in the clouds were true. Would I see him? Was I as close to him than ever because I was 37000 feet in the air? Then things that go through my mind eh? Wishful thinking or what.
Once off the flight and after saying goodbye to everyone, the journey home once again brought the impending reality back. He won’t be there, I can’t tell him all the funny things that happened and I am lonely for him again.
This new life really is crap and I miss him terribly.
I have struggled really with this week’s prompt as being 13 weeks in, everything is still so bloody raw and painful that I focus more on the loss of Dave and everything amazing that I once had and now that is all gone. I find it difficult to think about anything positive as my days feel so long, lonely and sad, all the time.
However, I also know that he would be devastated if he knew that was what my days consisted of so this weekend I have, as he would say, pulled my knickers up and boxed on. He would be pleased that I had found WaY (Widowed and Young) because he knows I can’t bottle things up for long and that if I do, I explode which does me no good. The people I have met both online and in real life from WaY have certainly been a blessing. Grief is such a rollercoaster from one day to the next, and even from one hour to the next, and all the feelings it evokes can be confusing, frightening, hopeless and incredibly sad.
The kindness and compassion I have been shown has been amazing, reassuring and available 24/7.
“Be kind to yourself” is something I hear a lot. I didn’t actually know what that meant but I am slowly learning. It means that when the overwhelming realisation that he isn’t coming back hits time and time again, it’s perfectly Ok to cry and cry until the tears run dry. It actually does feel a little better for a while and focuses the grief to an outlet rather than bottling it up. It means that when I feel guilty because I am still here living (well existing at the moment!) and he isn’t, I should remember the things he told me about making sure I live for him too and I try to, despite how angry I feel that he isn’t here to share things with me.
My family and friends are amazing and I thank my lucky stars every day for them. They have shown me so much love, compassion and kindness during Dave’s illness and after he died, that I couldn’t have asked for more. They all seem to realise however, that no-one understands the loss of a spouse in the same way as someone who has lost theirs does. So I decided the kindest thing I could do for myself is look for this support. All I can say is, when you can walk into a stranger’s house full of even more strangers and break down and cry within 5 minutes of getting there, it speaks volumes about how they “get it” and it means so much.
What would I say to someone who is forced to join this awful club? I would tell them to be kind to themselves too. Cry when you want to, be angry but also try and learn to LIVE for the person who is no longer here. That is what they would want for you too. I know I still have a long way to go but I am slowly doing just that. The future I planned with the love of my life has now gone but I am determined that I will make him proud of my little achievements by being kind to myself and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get through each day.