I have struggled really with this week’s prompt as being 13 weeks in, everything is still so bloody raw and painful that I focus more on the loss of Dave and everything amazing that I once had and now that is all gone. I find it difficult to think about anything positive as my days feel so long, lonely and sad, all the time.
However, I also know that he would be devastated if he knew that was what my days consisted of so this weekend I have, as he would say, pulled my knickers up and boxed on. He would be pleased that I had found WaY (Widowed and Young) because he knows I can’t bottle things up for long and that if I do, I explode which does me no good. The people I have met both online and in real life from WaY have certainly been a blessing. Grief is such a rollercoaster from one day to the next, and even from one hour to the next, and all the feelings it evokes can be confusing, frightening, hopeless and incredibly sad.
The kindness and compassion I have been shown has been amazing, reassuring and available 24/7.
“Be kind to yourself” is something I hear a lot. I didn’t actually know what that meant but I am slowly learning. It means that when the overwhelming realisation that he isn’t coming back hits time and time again, it’s perfectly Ok to cry and cry until the tears run dry. It actually does feel a little better for a while and focuses the grief to an outlet rather than bottling it up. It means that when I feel guilty because I am still here living (well existing at the moment!) and he isn’t, I should remember the things he told me about making sure I live for him too and I try to, despite how angry I feel that he isn’t here to share things with me.
My family and friends are amazing and I thank my lucky stars every day for them. They have shown me so much love, compassion and kindness during Dave’s illness and after he died, that I couldn’t have asked for more. They all seem to realise however, that no-one understands the loss of a spouse in the same way as someone who has lost theirs does. So I decided the kindest thing I could do for myself is look for this support. All I can say is, when you can walk into a stranger’s house full of even more strangers and break down and cry within 5 minutes of getting there, it speaks volumes about how they “get it” and it means so much.
What would I say to someone who is forced to join this awful club? I would tell them to be kind to themselves too. Cry when you want to, be angry but also try and learn to LIVE for the person who is no longer here. That is what they would want for you too. I know I still have a long way to go but I am slowly doing just that. The future I planned with the love of my life has now gone but I am determined that I will make him proud of my little achievements by being kind to myself and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get through each day.