Tomorrow will be bittersweet

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow a beautiful couple will be getting married.

Tomorrow they get to look into each other’s eyes and celebrate the love that they have by making vows to each other in front of their family and friends and to look forward to every day thereafter as husband and wife.

I will be there to celebrate with them but it will be bittersweet. I got to have that day with the love of my life on 19 November 2014 but it was all too short. We knew that it might be short when we got married that day, but the hope was always always always that we would grow old and spend the rest of our lives together. We didn’t get to grown old but Dave got to spend the rest of his life with me and knowing that gives me some comfort. He made that vow to me on that day and it will never ever be broken. Ever.

I will be saying those vows along with Colin and Rachael and wishing above everything, that Dave was sat beside me in that church, celebrating alongside us all. He wont be there and will be so so missed. There will be a shadow of sadness but I know that if he could be here, he would tell them both that if they have the love, happiness, joy and completeness that me and him had shared, they wont go far wrong.

To you both –  happy wedding day xx

 

Silence…..

As the saying goes…….is almost deafening. The kids are all out doing their own thing and it’s so quiet. I miss the laughter and the way we used to live for our Friday night’s because we had 2 whole days to be together. I had today off work, the first ‘random one where it wasn’t because I had to be somewhere or do something in particular. It’s been a very very long day. I had lunch with my beautiful eldest daughter, did some food shopping, a couple of errands and the gone home……..and went to bed for a couple of hours. How very rock and roll.

I went to bed mainly to pass some time because it was dragging and also because sometimes, an overwhelming exhaustion just takes over. It’s so tiring just getting through a day sometimes. I think it’s because the constant emotional and physical mood swings from up to down are so frequent, it just rocks you.

Keeping busy can be a godsend but for those times when you HAVE to stop, the loneliness and longing for what you once had just smacks you straight in the mouth……..over and over again.

I have started counselling which makes the sadness erupt for a long time after but it is already apparent that keeping as busy as I do, might not be the best thing as I am not allowing myself to let go. After my long long day off work today, I don’t know if I want to not be busy. It’s so quiet without him. I don’t like quiet.

I miss you my darling .