26 weeks/21 years

26 weeks. 182 days. 6 months. Half a year. Whichever way you say it, it feels like a lifetime on one hand but then like yesterday on another.

26 weeks ago tonight was mine and Dave’s last night on this earth together. 26 weeks ago tomorrow was our last day. I remember that night so clearly. I was lying next to him on my makeshift bed of 3 chairs put together with a few pillows on top and clinging onto him so I didn’t slip in between them. A sight I knew he would laugh about if he was able to and something that I joked about when I was talking away to him. It was important to talk to him. I didn’t want to him to ever feel alone and I wanted him to hear, feel and see how much I loved him to the very last second. I played our favourite playlist to him which included our wedding song, his trademark James song and others that had meant something to us at one time or another during our all too short years together. I talked to him about strong he had been and how proud I was of how he had dealt with everything and lastly about how tired he now was. I whispered to him that if he was ready, he should let go. 26 weeks ago tomorrow, he did let go, with all his family around to surround him with love whilst we said goodbye.

21 years ago tomorrow, my beautiful daughter was born. Again it feels like a lifetime ago but it isn’t. She has grown into an amazing young woman and I am very proud of who she is, what she has achieved and what she will become. Tomorrow we are having a party o celebrate this wonderful milestone, surrounded by the most amazing family and friends,

It’s another bittersweet day because when me and Dave started booking rooms and DJs in January, we didn’t contemplate that he wouldn’t be here. He will be so missed.

26 weeks / 21 years. Yin and Yang. Sad and Happy. What a rollercoaster.

Four words

“I’m having an overwhelmer”.

When those 4 words were sent in a text message, on Whatsapp or spoken, we both smiled from ear to ear. We both knew what they meant. They meant that whoever sent or said them was thinking about what we had, what we had achieved, things we had done but most of all, the depth of the love we shared. Those things were indeed, overwhelming, both emotionally and physically.

We talked about our feelings for each other all the time, we knew how lucky we were to have found each other and to be able to be together and never ever took that, or each other, for granted.

The “overwhelmers” almost took our breath away. It didn’t matter if I was sat at my desk in work looking at my pictures of him, or thinking about seeing him when I got home that night or even thinking about the upcoming weekend we would spend together. When they hit, they would hit hard and make me smile and sometimes tearful with emotion. So I would text or ring him to tell him and the response was always the same. He would break out into a massive smile and tell me he loved me more than anything. I did the same when he told me and it made me feel so loved, safe and happy.

My “overwhelmers” aren’t welcome now. Yes, they still almost take my breath away but its because I miss him, because I yearn to hear him tell me he is having one and because I realise that I never will again. Now they make the tears fall, the sadness descend and the old “overwhelmers” go further into the distance.

When you love so deeply, the feeling of loss when they are gone is even deeper. Ying and Yang, hot and cold, tall and short, love and loss. Opposite ends of the spectrum with the emotions and feelings to match.

How do people ever get through this? I am luckier than some because I have amazing family and friends who help even without knowing it, because they love me and they love what Dave and I had together. Its not the same kind of “overwhelmer” but still, you all overwhelm me with your support, kindness and love. Thank you.

xx