One day like this

Today should be our 3rd wedding anniversary. Instead, its my first wedding anniversary without my husband. This is definitely the worst day I have had since he died because quite simply, it should be OUR special day and instead I keep bursting into tears and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I went to the cemetery and put some roses there, chatted to a couple of ladies who felt they needed to console the sobbing mess sat looking lonely on the bench and then went to see my mum for a much needed hug.

One Day Like This was the song I walked down the aisle to, to greet my gorgeous soon to be husband and it was OUR song. That was one of the best days of my life and the song always meant so much to us both. It still means a lot to me and I play it often, but now it always makes me cry with sadness.

Our wedding day was amazing. It was so laid back and so casual and so easy. There was no stress and it was just about what we wanted it to be about. Me and Dave promising our lives to each other in front of those people who were most important to us. I have never ever been prouder than I was the day I became his wife. I have never loved anyone the way I love him and never will again but I am thankful every single day that I had that love and know what it like to feel it. I am one of the lucky ones to be able to say I had that.

I was Dave’s wife for 864 days and have been his widow for 234 days. Widow. What a bloody awful word. What a bloody awful marital status to have. Everything about it is bloody awful. Its like some sort of limbo to be honest. I don’t feel like I am single but I don’t feel like I am married either because the love of my life isn’t here. I am widowed. Its a proper conversation killer let me tell you but I don’t feel like I should avoid it just to make other people feel better. This is my life, my reality and it is shit so when people ask about my other half and I have gathered myself together (because it ALWAYS throws me off my stride) and I say “he passed away in March” or “I’m widowed”, that’s it, that’s the truth and then…………awkwardsilence.com. Its so uncomfortable and so hard because people just don’t know what to say.

I have got through most of the day now so I am going to take myself off to my room, flick through pictures, listen to his voice and get as snotty and red-eyed as humanly possible. From the high I was on 3 years ago today, to the low I am feeling now is poles apart and sometimes, snot and tears are what is needed.

Anniversary love my darling up in Heaven xx

This is for you

 

 

 

 

All about Time and Dates

I haven’t posted for a while and I wish I could say its because things have settled down and time is doing its “job” of healing……but it isn’t. The life I am left with is hectic, full of ups and downs and seems to be feeling sadder as time goes on.

Time and dates. That is all I feel I think about. When you lose someone, there is loads of focus on the “firsts” of everything and I have a coca cola sized truck load of those coming up. Its my birthday on bonfire night and as I sit here, I can hear the bangs, thuds, whistles and see the lightening flashes of the fireworks at the various bonfires around the area and its creasing me. I have always LOVED fireworks. I always dragged Dave along to a display or made sure we had some to let off in the garden and he used to take the mickey out of me and call me a big kid. For the first time ever, I cant be arsed, really cant be arsed because without him, its crap. I will be 47, the same age as he was when he died. God, its no age at all.

Later on this month, its our wedding anniversary. It would have been our 3rd and I already know its going to be a killer day to get through. We had an amazing wedding, planned within 3 weeks with the people we love most in the world around us. It meant everything just being able to get married with no fuss and it be just about those promises we made and our hopes for the future.

Next month, it would have been Dave’s birthday and then in quick succession, its Christmas, then a year to the day we found out the cancer had spread to his brain and then New Year. Well, on December 31st, all I will be celebrating is that this year is over because it can kiss my arse. I cant wait to see the back of it because it has been the worst one ever.

However, its not only the firsts of everything that are at the forefront.  I have lost count of the number of times I have said “this time last yea we were……” because if someone mentions a date, I automatically think about what we were doing at that point last year. Memories that make me smile for a split second and then clouds over just as quick. This time last year, we were in London watching Thriller Live, fulfilling one of Dave’s bucket list items of seeing a West End Show. We travelled back on my birthday and he upgraded us to First Class and it was just typical of my thoughtful, loving, wonderful Dave.

EVERYTHING seems to revolve around the time and dates 17th to 31st March which was when Dave started to deteriorate. If someone asks me about something regarding work, like “when did we upgrade this?” or “when did we train that person?” etc, I automatically know…….because that period of time is so ingrained in my memory. It has become the timeline I use to gauge things. I will say “oh that was in February, because Dave was still here” or that was definitely in March because Dave went into hospital the week after” or “I was off work then because it was the week of the funeral”. Dates and times seem to rule my world more than they ever have before.

There is still a way to go until Dave’s first “sadaversary” as its called in my Widowed support group and its always being said that we should take each day as it comes. I do try to do that most of the time and although all the “firsts” are dreaded, already I feel anxious and sad about not being able to say “this time last year me and Dave were……….” anymore. Its another loss in a way because memories that you made together are getting older and its scary. There are no more firsts after that and it means that the “lasts” of everything are getting further and further away. You just cant win.

This time last year, my wonderful man was with me…………I need to say it whilst I still can. Love you always xx