I haven’t posted for a while and I wish I could say its because things have settled down and time is doing its “job” of healing……but it isn’t. The life I am left with is hectic, full of ups and downs and seems to be feeling sadder as time goes on.
Time and dates. That is all I feel I think about. When you lose someone, there is loads of focus on the “firsts” of everything and I have a coca cola sized truck load of those coming up. Its my birthday on bonfire night and as I sit here, I can hear the bangs, thuds, whistles and see the lightening flashes of the fireworks at the various bonfires around the area and its creasing me. I have always LOVED fireworks. I always dragged Dave along to a display or made sure we had some to let off in the garden and he used to take the mickey out of me and call me a big kid. For the first time ever, I cant be arsed, really cant be arsed because without him, its crap. I will be 47, the same age as he was when he died. God, its no age at all.
Later on this month, its our wedding anniversary. It would have been our 3rd and I already know its going to be a killer day to get through. We had an amazing wedding, planned within 3 weeks with the people we love most in the world around us. It meant everything just being able to get married with no fuss and it be just about those promises we made and our hopes for the future.
Next month, it would have been Dave’s birthday and then in quick succession, its Christmas, then a year to the day we found out the cancer had spread to his brain and then New Year. Well, on December 31st, all I will be celebrating is that this year is over because it can kiss my arse. I cant wait to see the back of it because it has been the worst one ever.
However, its not only the firsts of everything that are at the forefront. I have lost count of the number of times I have said “this time last yea we were……” because if someone mentions a date, I automatically think about what we were doing at that point last year. Memories that make me smile for a split second and then clouds over just as quick. This time last year, we were in London watching Thriller Live, fulfilling one of Dave’s bucket list items of seeing a West End Show. We travelled back on my birthday and he upgraded us to First Class and it was just typical of my thoughtful, loving, wonderful Dave.
EVERYTHING seems to revolve around the time and dates 17th to 31st March which was when Dave started to deteriorate. If someone asks me about something regarding work, like “when did we upgrade this?” or “when did we train that person?” etc, I automatically know…….because that period of time is so ingrained in my memory. It has become the timeline I use to gauge things. I will say “oh that was in February, because Dave was still here” or that was definitely in March because Dave went into hospital the week after” or “I was off work then because it was the week of the funeral”. Dates and times seem to rule my world more than they ever have before.
There is still a way to go until Dave’s first “sadaversary” as its called in my Widowed support group and its always being said that we should take each day as it comes. I do try to do that most of the time and although all the “firsts” are dreaded, already I feel anxious and sad about not being able to say “this time last year me and Dave were……….” anymore. Its another loss in a way because memories that you made together are getting older and its scary. There are no more firsts after that and it means that the “lasts” of everything are getting further and further away. You just cant win.
This time last year, my wonderful man was with me…………I need to say it whilst I still can. Love you always xx