Today should be our 3rd wedding anniversary. Instead, its my first wedding anniversary without my husband. This is definitely the worst day I have had since he died because quite simply, it should be OUR special day and instead I keep bursting into tears and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I went to the cemetery and put some roses there, chatted to a couple of ladies who felt they needed to console the sobbing mess sat looking lonely on the bench and then went to see my mum for a much needed hug.
One Day Like This was the song I walked down the aisle to, to greet my gorgeous soon to be husband and it was OUR song. That was one of the best days of my life and the song always meant so much to us both. It still means a lot to me and I play it often, but now it always makes me cry with sadness.
Our wedding day was amazing. It was so laid back and so casual and so easy. There was no stress and it was just about what we wanted it to be about. Me and Dave promising our lives to each other in front of those people who were most important to us. I have never ever been prouder than I was the day I became his wife. I have never loved anyone the way I love him and never will again but I am thankful every single day that I had that love and know what it like to feel it. I am one of the lucky ones to be able to say I had that.
I was Dave’s wife for 864 days and have been his widow for 234 days. Widow. What a bloody awful word. What a bloody awful marital status to have. Everything about it is bloody awful. Its like some sort of limbo to be honest. I don’t feel like I am single but I don’t feel like I am married either because the love of my life isn’t here. I am widowed. Its a proper conversation killer let me tell you but I don’t feel like I should avoid it just to make other people feel better. This is my life, my reality and it is shit so when people ask about my other half and I have gathered myself together (because it ALWAYS throws me off my stride) and I say “he passed away in March” or “I’m widowed”, that’s it, that’s the truth and then…………awkwardsilence.com. Its so uncomfortable and so hard because people just don’t know what to say.
I have got through most of the day now so I am going to take myself off to my room, flick through pictures, listen to his voice and get as snotty and red-eyed as humanly possible. From the high I was on 3 years ago today, to the low I am feeling now is poles apart and sometimes, snot and tears are what is needed.
Anniversary love my darling up in Heaven xx
This is for you