It’s a New Year

This time last year, we had only just found out that Dave’s cancer had spread to his brain so last new year’s eve wasn’t one to celebrate much as we knew we had another big fight to take on. BUT we had hope and I had him here with me. This year I feel hopeless and empty because he’s gone and it’s a horrible feeling.

Now when people ask about him, I have to say he died last year. To people who don’t get it, that just means time is passing and I should be getting back to normal. To me and those who do unerstand, it just means that the last time I held him or talked to him or kissed him is getting further away and it gets harder to hold onto those memories, the old normal doesn’t exist anymore and the new normal is shit and incredibly lonely.

I do know that this year is when I need to pick myself up properly and start making decisions that I have been holding off on, try not to be so angry at the world and try and rebuild this new shit life without him and find a new normal where I can smile properly again. It’s so difficult because I feel so lost sometimes and don’t know where to start. We were supposed to grow old together so how do you plan what to do with what could amount to another lifetime, without the person you were supposed to do it with? You dont. You just get from one day to the next as best as you can in the way that you need to. I will make the decisions I need to make and I will learn to live with this new life because quite simply, there isn’t a choice. We didn’t get a choice.

So as 2017 f***s right off, I will say this. It has without a doubt been the most difficult year ever. I have never cried or hurt so much,  been as scared before or felt so helpless or wanted to curl up and wither away as I have this year but I have also learned a lot about people and compassion and love. To those people who have helped me through it, I am eternally grateful. You know who you are and I know you will be there for me for this coming year so thank you.

Let’s hope 2018 is less shit for everyone and to my family, friends and wonderful in-laws (I fell in love with you when I fell in love with Dave), Happy New Year xx

To my angel in Heaven, look after us all and I will love and miss you always. #DavMac xx ❤