It’s almost here

The first anniversary of when my world came crashing down is almost here. I can’ quite believe it  to be honest. There’s almost a panicky feeling as it approaches because as daft as it sounds, I feel like I’m running out of time. With that, I mean the ability to say ‘this time last year we were……’ . After the anniversary arrives, I will only ever be able to say ‘This time last year I….’.  I suppose that doesn’t seem like much to some people but to me, it just compounds the fact that I my wonderful man isn’t here to make any new memories with and it’s totally shit.

This time last year (because I can still say that for another few weeks), I took Dave over to Liverpool for a weekend of surprises, working through his bucket list as best as I could. I took him to a VIP game to watch his beloved Liverpool. It started with a mystery drive to a hotel in New Brighton and he didn’t have a clue what we were doing for the rest of the day. I gave him a present and filmed him whilst he opened it. Some of my friends at work had managed to get me a signed Liverpool shirt and Dave’s face lit up when he saw it. Looking back on that video, I can see the early signs of what was to come as he struggled to read the card that was with the shirt.

On to the Hilton Hotel where we had a 3 course meal and listened to one of his heros, John Aldridge speaking about his days at Liverpool. A bit later, I nipped out to the loo and saw John sitting in a reception area reading a paper. Not one to miss an opportunity, I asked him if I could bring Dave to meet him which he was more than happy to do. Dave was so pleased and it really made his day.

On to Anfield to watch the game although I couldn’t take my eyes off Dave. I loved watching him smile but I had also noticed him closing his left eye quite a lot. He said that his eyes felt blurry but closing his left eye helped him see a bit better.

We went back to the hotel after the game and then went to eat but I could tell he was struggling so we went back to the hotel. I had another little surprise for him in the morning which was breakfast with some of his lovely friends he used to go to the gym with.

However, when we woke that morning, he was struggling with his balance and I noticed his left eye was drifting. I told him that the gang were meeting us for breakfast but that I would cancel because I wanted to take him to the hospital. He said that he had to eat whilst he took his medication and that he wanted to see them so we went for breakfast. My heart was breaking as he struggled to walk in a straight line and couldn’t see where to put his fork for his food. There was something really wrong so I insisted we went to the hospital.

We were told that he had swelling on his brain which was affecting his eyes and balance so his steroids were increased. From that day, he wore an eye patch which helped control his vision. From that day, it became frightenly real that my brave, strong, wonderful man was losing his fight. But this time last year, I still had him.

I’m scared of not being able to say that anymore and wish time would stand still……just until I’m ready.