March has conjured up so many feelings and thoughts that are a proper mish mash. The things people say, the approaching anniversary and dates that are coming in March like Mother’s Day so I thought I would write them down.
As the dreaded year mark approaches, some people give me the impression that once it is here that everything will be ok. Like its the point that I will “move on”. I have heard that quite a few times from people in recent weeks. The truth is, I will never move on because to me, that sounds like I have left something at a particular point and left it behind as I carry on. I am moving FORWARD. I know that might seem like a very subtle difference, but its not. I have been moving forward since the day I lost him because I bring him with me in every second of every day and he is in every memory I hold on to since I met him in 2011. He is in every tear I cry, every sleepless night and every lonely morning when I wake up and he isn’t there. He defined who I am as a person, enriched my life beyond anything I could ever have wished for and left me with amazing memories. They will move forward with me and I certainly wont move on from them. I don’t want to leave them anywhere and I certainly cant move backwards.
The countdown to the year mark isn’t what I thought it would be. As well as thinking about what we were doing “this time last year”, I am also consumed with thoughts like “little did we know we only had 20 days left with him” or “did he know it would be so soon?”. Rather than saying its “been 3, 6, 10 months etc”, I am now saying things like “in 3 weeks, it will be a year since he left”. The time thing again, only its the other way round now. Its strange what thoughts go round your head and the way in which you can interpret things. Too much thinking probably.
More firsts to come again this month and it will probably be the hardest one for a lot of people. Tomorrow, its Mother’s Day. Last year it was much later in the month and Dave and I had bought the cards for mother’s day a couple of weeks before when we were on the market. He always took a lot of time reading verses of cards and would move on to the next shop until he found “the one”. He had found a lovely one for his mum, so much so that I bought the same one for mine! Dave was still here last Mother’s Day although he was very ill and his mum was staying at the house. I know how important that card and Mother’s Day was to her and tomorrow, I will be thinking of her more than ever because I know its going to be difficult. As far as mother-in-law’s go, she is most definitely the best and I love her very much. All my love to you Ann xx