How is it a year?

Last Saturday, when most people were getting their last minute Easter Eggs and the meat and veg for their Easter Sunday lunch, I was coming to terms with the fact that it was now a WHOLE year since my Dave left. Ironically, Easter weekend where us Catholics believe Jesus died and rose again 3 days later. I know he isn’t going to come back to me, I accepted that  a good few months ago because its really the only way I could start to deal with the pain of losing him.

So how was it? How was the BIG DATE?. To be honest, I found the 2 weeks leading up to the anniversary much harder to deal with. The anniversary of when he was taken to hospital on 21st March last year and we were told nothing more could be done was harder on me. I suppose that’s because during the time he was fighting this bastard disease, we had always, always had hope and that kept us both going. On the 21st March 2017, that hope was utterly gone and it broke me and all I wanted was to get him home. He came home the day after and was thankfully, pretty unaware of what was going on most of the time. He still managed to make us smile when he whispered “sssshhhhhhh” when Father Paul was here with him and everyone was chit chatting and when he puckered up for a kiss when asked for one. Those 9 days he was home were precious. Both families were here all the time and he wasn’t on his own for a second. He was so loved. He will always be loved……and missed……and talked about……..and so remembered.

When he took his last breath, he was surrounded by love and as heartbreaking as it was, I am so thankful it wasn’t prolonged, he didn’t suffer for months and months as so many do and he had his family with him. For me, I think that is why the anniversary itself wasn’t as difficult to get through because the memories of the build up to his death were far harder to deal than the day itself. The anniversary was spent with mine and Dave’s family just as the day itself last year was. It was nice to talk about him and remember him and share a few tears together. We let off some (biodegradeable!) balloons on the golf course and ended up laughing when a balloon got caught around his sister Gill’s neck and wouldn’t fly off and his brother Paul’s balloon went floppy. That would be something that would have made Dave crack up laughing so it made us laugh too.

It is still hard to believe that a whole year has gone by though. I look back on the last year and can see how far I’ve come. Most of the “firsts” are over (just his funeral anniversary now) and I’ve got through them,  I’m making decisions I didn’t think I’d ever have to make, some of them really tough ones, I have become more assertive and I have also accepted that I have to plan a different future than the one I want, because I can’t have it anymore. My fairytale is over. It’s been the most difficult year I’ve ever had and I’m still learning who the me without Dave is because it wasn’t supposed to be that way. As ever, with all the wonderful support I have, I am able to get through the tough days and my family and friends do everything they can for me. My schoolmates brought me a red rosebush in a planter to mark his anniversary and its these thoughtful things that make me realise that I am so very lucky to have them all. Dave the Rosebush now sits next to the bench in the garden so I can spend time in the garden in the summer months.

To you  my darling, Rest in peace. I will love and miss you always xx

 

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