Its been an awful long time since I posted here I know. Almost a year! It isn’t because I haven’t wanted to its simply because sometimes its difficult to sit down and know what to write! Sometimes I don’t even know how to feel. The last few months have been a time of wondering how another year has passed by so quickly but also feeling like I am standing still too. By that I mean so much has happened and changed around my life its quite hard to believe I have fit it all into a year but then again I can be stopped in my tracks and catapulted right back to the beginning out of nowhere, especially when my confidence is low.
I know I have come such a long way and most of it has made up of tough decisions, uncertainty and a better the devil you know kind of attitude. A bit like winging it! I also know how much I have changed as a person, although some people wont see that because either they didn’t know me before Dave died, they think because its been over 2 years “I’m ok now” or they don’t want to see it because it’s awkward and they just don’t want to deal with it. It can be very lonely sometimes because when Dave died, a part of me went with him which I will never get back and it changed me forever. It takes time to work out (and accept) that there isn’t a choice but to just get on with it.
I am getting on with things and living my life because I know how important it is to be happy, not just for me but for those around me. I still find some days difficult and sometimes its hard to love my previous life and my new life at the same time because it can make me feel torn between two different worlds, both of which made/make me equally happy. I have certainly gone down a different path than the one I originally planned but when you are moving forward you have to find a silver lining in every cloud and be grateful for who you find on that path and I have been lucky. I have “my person” Lisa and a few others who know how hard it is to have no choice but to change direction and they have and always will be my lifeline. They amaze me every day with their positivity and zest for life because they know how short it is (and dark humour, you have to have dark humour). I have also met a lovely man and his slightly crazy family who I hope will walk (yes walk, not get on the skateboard or kiddy cart) this new path with me.
Your life is your story and you do have to keep writing it but you should also make sure you flick back through those pages you have written when you need to. Its important to remember where you have been and where you came from so that you can know where you are going and who you want to be.
Always loved, always missed #DAVMAC