Four words

“I’m having an overwhelmer”.

When those 4 words were sent in a text message, on Whatsapp or spoken, we both smiled from ear to ear. We both knew what they meant. They meant that whoever sent or said them was thinking about what we had, what we had achieved, things we had done but most of all, the depth of the love we shared. Those things were indeed, overwhelming, both emotionally and physically.

We talked about our feelings for each other all the time, we knew how lucky we were to have found each other and to be able to be together and never ever took that, or each other, for granted.

The “overwhelmers” almost took our breath away. It didn’t matter if I was sat at my desk in work looking at my pictures of him, or thinking about seeing him when I got home that night or even thinking about the upcoming weekend we would spend together. When they hit, they would hit hard and make me smile and sometimes tearful with emotion. So I would text or ring him to tell him and the response was always the same. He would break out into a massive smile and tell me he loved me more than anything. I did the same when he told me and it made me feel so loved, safe and happy.

My “overwhelmers” aren’t welcome now. Yes, they still almost take my breath away but its because I miss him, because I yearn to hear him tell me he is having one and because I realise that I never will again. Now they make the tears fall, the sadness descend and the old “overwhelmers” go further into the distance.

When you love so deeply, the feeling of loss when they are gone is even deeper. Ying and Yang, hot and cold, tall and short, love and loss. Opposite ends of the spectrum with the emotions and feelings to match.

How do people ever get through this? I am luckier than some because I have amazing family and friends who help even without knowing it, because they love me and they love what Dave and I had together. Its not the same kind of “overwhelmer” but still, you all overwhelm me with your support, kindness and love. Thank you.

xx

 

 

Tomorrow will be bittersweet

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow a beautiful couple will be getting married.

Tomorrow they get to look into each other’s eyes and celebrate the love that they have by making vows to each other in front of their family and friends and to look forward to every day thereafter as husband and wife.

I will be there to celebrate with them but it will be bittersweet. I got to have that day with the love of my life on 19 November 2014 but it was all too short. We knew that it might be short when we got married that day, but the hope was always always always that we would grow old and spend the rest of our lives together. We didn’t get to grown old but Dave got to spend the rest of his life with me and knowing that gives me some comfort. He made that vow to me on that day and it will never ever be broken. Ever.

I will be saying those vows along with Colin and Rachael and wishing above everything, that Dave was sat beside me in that church, celebrating alongside us all. He wont be there and will be so so missed. There will be a shadow of sadness but I know that if he could be here, he would tell them both that if they have the love, happiness, joy and completeness that me and him had shared, they wont go far wrong.

To you both –  happy wedding day xx

 

Silence…..

As the saying goes…….is almost deafening. The kids are all out doing their own thing and it’s so quiet. I miss the laughter and the way we used to live for our Friday night’s because we had 2 whole days to be together. I had today off work, the first ‘random one where it wasn’t because I had to be somewhere or do something in particular. It’s been a very very long day. I had lunch with my beautiful eldest daughter, did some food shopping, a couple of errands and the gone home……..and went to bed for a couple of hours. How very rock and roll.

I went to bed mainly to pass some time because it was dragging and also because sometimes, an overwhelming exhaustion just takes over. It’s so tiring just getting through a day sometimes. I think it’s because the constant emotional and physical mood swings from up to down are so frequent, it just rocks you.

Keeping busy can be a godsend but for those times when you HAVE to stop, the loneliness and longing for what you once had just smacks you straight in the mouth……..over and over again.

I have started counselling which makes the sadness erupt for a long time after but it is already apparent that keeping as busy as I do, might not be the best thing as I am not allowing myself to let go. After my long long day off work today, I don’t know if I want to not be busy. It’s so quiet without him. I don’t like quiet.

I miss you my darling .

In Limbo

Time passes so slowly but yet so fast. I constantly feel like I am waiting for something but not sure what that is. The hope that he will walk through the door and everything will be ok again? The hope that I will stop crying at the drop of a hat? Or, the hope that this awful rollercoaster will come to a stop? I really don’t know but I feel like I am in limbo. It’s like I can’t go forward and I also can never go back.  So here I am. Again. Grieving for the future I have lost and for the man I will never see, touch, hear and laugh with again. The void is gigantic and looking into it scares me so I try to fill it with keeping busy. Tonight, I am too tired to be busy so I am falling and he isn’t here to catch me.

I want this limbo to stop and fast forward me into the future. The future where I will smile more at the amazing memories we made, rather than sobbing when i think about not being able to make more of them.  The future where I smile more than I cry, the one people tell me will come in time.

I miss him and us so much.

 

The only way is up…….then back down again

I have just returned from a hen weekend away to Amsterdam with Dave’s gorgeous family. As far as in-laws go, I hit the jackpot with mine in the same way I did with Dave. They are amazing and supportive and I love them dearly.

We have had a brilliant time in what can only be described as a very ‘interesting’ city. We hired a booze bike, went on a boat cruise along the canals, had our eyes opened in the Red Light District and went to see Anne Frank’s house which was incredibly humbling and moving. We have also laughed…….a lot. The thing is though, there was a feeling of sadness with not just me, but most people who were there.  An undercurrent of something not being as it should be, which of course it isn’t.

There were a few times where his absence in our lives became overwhelming and emotions ran high. The tears inevitably fell and sadness reared its ugly head for a few minutes and cast a shadow. I know its still early days (108 To be exact) but I fear it will always be the same. But we have each other.

For me personally, I felt the void of not having him to call or text when we did something daft or saw something interesting. He was always the first person I would contact with news to tell and seeing and hearing everyone else on the phone or messaging their ‘first person’ was difficult to deal with sometimes. It’s no-ones fault, it’s just something I have to learn to live with…….something else.

After the massive high of laughing so much, having a break from work and being with family, my new reality started to creep back in whilst on the flight home. I was sat in a seat by the window away from some of the family as we had struggled to get seats together. I spent the flight staring out of the window, thinking about Dave and looking at the clouds and how amazing it would be if the notion that once people die, they are up in heaven in the clouds were true. Would I see him? Was I as close to him than ever because I was 37000 feet in the air? Then things that go through my mind eh?  Wishful thinking or what.

Once off the flight and after saying goodbye to everyone, the journey home once again brought the impending reality back. He won’t be there, I can’t tell him all the funny things that happened and I am lonely for him again.

This new life really is crap and I miss him terribly.

 

Prompt – Blessings and Kindness

I have struggled really with this week’s prompt as being 13 weeks in, everything is still so bloody raw and painful that I focus more on the loss of Dave and everything amazing that I once had and now that is all gone. I find it difficult to think about anything positive as my days feel so long, lonely and sad, all the time.

However, I also know that he would be devastated if he knew that was what my days consisted of so this weekend I have, as he would say, pulled my knickers up and boxed on. He would be pleased that I had found WaY (Widowed and Young) because he knows I can’t bottle things up for long and that if I do, I explode which does me no good. The people I have met both online and in real life from WaY have certainly been a blessing. Grief is such a rollercoaster from one day to the next, and even from one hour to the next, and all the feelings it evokes can be confusing, frightening, hopeless and incredibly sad.

The kindness and compassion I have been shown has been amazing, reassuring and available 24/7.

“Be kind to yourself” is something I hear a lot. I didn’t actually know what that meant but I am slowly learning. It means that when the overwhelming realisation that he isn’t coming back hits time and time again, it’s perfectly Ok to cry and cry until the tears run dry. It actually does feel a little better for a while and focuses the grief to an outlet rather than bottling it up. It means that when I feel guilty because I am still here living (well existing at the moment!) and he isn’t, I should remember the things he told me about making sure I live for him too and I try to, despite how angry I feel that he isn’t here to share things with me.

My family and friends are amazing and I thank my lucky stars every day for them. They have shown me so much love, compassion and kindness during Dave’s illness and after he died, that I couldn’t have asked for more. They all seem to realise however, that no-one understands the loss of a spouse in the same way as someone who has lost theirs does. So I decided the kindest thing I could do for myself is look for this support. All I can say is, when you can walk into a stranger’s house full of even more strangers and break down and cry within 5 minutes of getting there, it speaks volumes about how they “get it” and it means so much.

What would I say to someone who is forced to join this awful club? I would tell them to be kind to themselves too. Cry when you want to, be angry but also try and learn to LIVE for the person who is no longer here. That is what they would want for you too. I know I still have a long way to go but I am slowly doing just that. The future I planned with the love of my life has now gone but I am determined that I will make him proud of my little achievements by being kind to myself and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get through each  day.

blessings and kindness

Father’s Day

Firstly, I will say Happy Father’s Day to my own amazing, kind, cute and wonderful dad. You are my hero and have been the best dad I could have ever asked for…..thank you for everything. MWAHHHH.

Myself and Dave didn’t have children together (we both wish we had, it just never happened) but between us, over the years of previous relationships and our own relationship, we have stepchildren, foster children and biological children. In total, there have been 9 kids who have been lucky enough to have him as a father figure in one way or another in the past. 9 VERY lucky kids I might add.

As all parents know, bringing up children isn’t something that comes with a guide book. Kids are unique and have their own set of rules. It can be exhausting, challenging, frustrating and sometimes scary having that responsibility but Dave just always took it in his stride, never gave up and bestowed unconditional love from beginning to end. Everyone loved him, you couldn’t not. He was kind, caring, honest, genuine and just wanted the best for all them, in equal amounts.

Today is the first Father’s Day I have spent without him since meeting him almost 6 years ago. I always sorted out little things from the kids for him so this year there was a big gap to fill. I had made a few plans for today which didn’t come off as I hoped, mainly because of circumstances and differing priorities and its been so very disappointing.

So, I wanted to write tonight and wish him a Happy Father’s Day in Heaven, to tell him that he was the most amazing father, foster-father and stepfather that ever walked this earth (on a par with my dad of course!!) and that I love him and always have been and always will be so proud of everything he achieved – thank you darling xx

We sent off some tributes tonight in the form of Chinese lanterns with little messages of love and thanks on them. Hope they get there babe! Happy Father’s Day x

 

 

 

Prompt – The Journey

The Journey – a euphemism for everything that encompasses grief. My journey, as I am sure it is for most people who have lost a loved one is full of dread, fear, hopelessness and loneliness, with little glimpses of a past life before the cloud descends to block the way again almost immediately.

Its a journey I have dreaded making since October 2014 when the love of my life was told IT was back. A journey I hoped I would never have to embark on and one that I kept buried in my sub-conscious. It had to stay there otherwise how would we have lived our lives and made every second count, every day a blessing and loved as deeply, as unconditionally and as completely as we did?

So now I am on it. That journey. I am moving forward, very slowly,  through a massive fog and have faltered many times already during the 74 days I have been travelling already (74? – it feels like a lifetime!). I know I am really fortunate to have wonderful, supportive and loving family and friends to give me a lift now when I really need it. And they do. They are fantastic and I love them all. They make the journey feel a little less lonely and not as hopeless and pointless sometimes and I am ever grateful to them.

I am aware that each day wont be the same as the one before, sometimes its not the same as the hour before and that it will take me to different places at various times. I also know that this journey cant be controlled. I cant direct the traffic, I cant turn left if I want to. I have to go along with the direction grief wants to take me and there is no control over where or when it will stop me in my tracks. That is what I struggle with most. Sometimes I feel I am doing ok and feel almost proud of myself for getting through a situation and then for what seems like no apparent reason, I burst into tears, or anger begins to well up inside me or I just want to run away and hide. A journey with no maps or directions is very disorientating and getting back on track is a mammoth task every time I get lost.

Most journeys do come to an end though. Trouble is, I know that this particular journey wont.  The lack of control and direction will make it impossible to get to the end. I have to find a way to navigate this new life, find the new me and find a way to do it all without my soulmate and guide.

The journey at the moment is focused on loss, it concentrates on sadness and unwelcome change, is filled with tears and U-turns and indecision and its miserable and lonely a lot of the time. I was having a text chat with one of my fabulous in-laws this week and I did have a smile and a glimmer of hope and realised that one day, hopefully, my journey will shift and focus on the smiles, the happiness, the love and the AMAZING memories that made up the journey me and Dave were making together when he was here. God I miss him and I miss us and I miss OUR journey.

For now though, I will carrying on taking baby steps, moving forward slowly, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

journey